%% when I was just a little girl %%
%% I asked my mother %%
%% what will I be %%
%% will I be pretty %%
%% will I be rich %%
%% here's what she said to me %%
%% que sera, sera %%
%% whatever will be, will be %%
%% the future's not ours to see %%
%% que sera, sera %%
%% what will be, will be %%
%% when I was just a child in school %%
%% I asked my teacher what should I try %%
%% should I paint pictures %%
%% should I sing songs %%
%% this was her wise reply %%
%% que sera, sera %%
%% whatever will be, will be %%
%% the future's not ours to see %%
%% que sera, sera %%
%% what will be, will be %%
Damn.
It's your turn, Heather.
No, Heather. It's Heather's turn.
Heather.
- Sorry, Heather. - %% que sera, sera %%
%% whatever will be, will be %%
%% the future's not ours to see %%
%% que sera, sera %%
%% what will be, will be %%
%% que sera, sera %%
Dear diary,
Heather told me she teaches people real life.
She said, "real life sucks losers dry."
If you wanna fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly."
I said, "so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly ?"
She said, "yes."
I said, "you're beautiful."
God, come on, Veronica.
What is your damage, Heather ?
Don't blame me. Blame Heather. She told me to haul your ass into the caf pronto.
- Back me up, Heather. - Yeah, she really wants to talk to you, Veronica.
Okay, I'm going. Jesus Christ !
Hello, Heather.
Veronica. Finally.
I got a note of Kurt Kelly's.
I need you to forge a hot and horny but realistically low-key note in Kurt's handwriting...
And slip it onto Martha's "dumptruck's" lunch tray.
Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock.
You don't have anything for her either.
Come on. It'll be very.
The note will give her shower nozzle masturbation material for weeks.
- I'll think about it. - Don't think.
Veronica needs something to write on. Heather, bend over.
"dear Martha, you're so sweet."
I'm telling you, man, it would be so righteous...
To be in a Veronica Sawyer/ Heather Chandler sandwich.
Oh, hell, yes.
I wanna get Heather and put her on my Johnson and start spinning her around...
Like a goddamn pinwheel.
Punch it in.
[ boy ] Westerberg feeds the world. Come on, people.
Let's give that leftover lunch money to people who don't have lunches.
God, aren't they fed yet ?
Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa ?
Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians, tater tots. It's a real party continent.
Sawyer, guess what today is.
Ouch. Lunchtime poll ?
So, what's the question ? Yeah, what's the question, Heather ?
Goddamn, Heather. You were with me in study hall when I thought of it.
I forgot.
Such a pillowcase.
This wouldn't be that bizarro thing you were babbling about over the phone last night ?
Of course it is.
I told Dennis if he gives me another political topic, I'd spew burrito chunks.
- Oh, Veronica, I'm sorry. - Betty Finn. Gosh.
I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to your birthday party last month.
That's okay. Your mom said you had a big date.
I'd probably miss my own birthday for a date. Don't say that.
I was looking around the other day and I dug up, uh,
These old photographs.
Oh, wow. These are great.
Come on, Veronica. I was talking to somebody.
Oh, great. Here comes Heather.
Oh, shit.
Hi, Courtney. Love your cardigan.
Thanks. I just got it last night from limited.
Like totally blew my allowance.
Now, check this out.
You win $5 million from the publisher's sweepstakes.
And the same day that that big Ed guy gives you the check,
Aliens land on the earth and say they're gonna blow up the world in two days.
- What do you do ? - [ boy ] that's easy.
I'd just slide that wad over to my father,
'cause he is like one of the top brokers in the state.
If I got that money, I'd give it all to the homeless. Every cent.
You're beautiful.
If you're gonna openly be a bitch--
Heather, why can't we talk to different kinds of people ?
Fuck me gently with a chain saw.
Do I look like mother Teresa ?
If I did, I probably wouldn't mind talking to the geek squad.
Did you see that ? Heather number one just looked right at me.
Does it not bother you that everybody in this school thinks that you're a piranha ?
Like I give a shit.
They all want me as a friend or a fuck.
I'm worshipped at Westerberg. And I'm only a Junior.
I can't believe this. We're going to a party at Remington university tonight...
And we're brushing up on our conversational skills with the scum of the school.
Hi. Hi.
So, this is what's called a lunchtime poll.
You win $5 million in the publisher's sweepstakes.
And the same day that what's-his-face gives you the check,
Aliens land on earth.
They're gonna blow up the world in two days.
What are you gonna do with the money ?
I'd go to Egypt... With a girl.
I'd use the money for an end-of-the-world get-together.
I'd pay Madonna a million bucks to sit on my face...
And have her ride like the Kentucky derby.
That's gotta be the most spooky-ass question I ever heard.
This is important. After taxes, I'll only be getting--
- She should pay me, though. - You go to the zoo and you get a lion.
And then you put a remote-control bomb up its butt.
And then there's social security, legal fees--
You push the button on the bomb, and you and the lion die like one.
What ?
Oh, my God. Here we go.
[ cackling ]
Hi, Veronica. A five keeps an Infant alive.
You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school.
If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing.
Come on, Veronica. You used to have a sense of humor.
Veronica, could you come back here a minute ?
A true friend's work is never done.
Gross. Gross.
Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87.
Maybe you should see a doctor. Yeah, maybe.
Come on, Heather. Let's take another look at today's lunch.
God, Veronica, drool much ?
His name is Jason Dean.
He's in my American history.
Hello, Jason Dean.
Greetings and salutations.
You a Heather ? No.
I'm a Veronica... Sawyer.
This may seem like a really stupid question.
There are no stupid questions.
You inherit $5 million the same day aliens land on the earth...
And say they're gonna blow it up in two days.
What do you do ?
That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.
Who's that guy in the coat think he is anyways ?
Bo Diddley ?
Veronica's into his act, no doubt.
I don't know. Probably row out to the middle of the lake somewhere,
Bring along a bottle of tequila,
My sax and, uh, some Bach.
How very.
Come on, Veronica.
Later. Definitely.
Let's kick his ass.
Shit, ram. We're seniors, man.
We're too old for that kind of crap.
Let's give him a good scare, though.
You're gonna eat this ?
What did your boyfriend say when you told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio ?
Answer him, dick.
Hey, ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a "no fags allowed" rule ?
Oh, yeah. They seem to have an open-door policy for assholes, though, don't they ?
What did you say, dick-head ?
I'll repeat myself.
God, they won't expel him. They'll just suspend him for a week or something.
He used a real gun. They should throw his ass in jail.
[ Veronica ] no way. He used blanks.
All J.D. really did was ruin two pairs of pants.
Or maybe not even that. Can you bleach out urine stains ?
You seem pretty amused. I thought you had given up on high school guys.
Never say never.
So, what are you gonna do, Heather ?
Take the two shots or send me out ?
Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast ?
First you ask if you can be red,
Knowing that I'm always red.
Oh, shit.
It's your turn, Heather.
- Easy shot, Heather. - No way, no day.
Give it up, girl.
God, that was incredible. Holy shit !
So, tonight's the night. Are you two excited ?
I'm giving Veronica her shot. Her first Remington party.
You blow it tonight, girl, and it's keggers with kids all next year.
- Why ? - Why not ?
Heather, your mother's here.
Come on, whoever wants a ride.
Bye. Bye. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye, girls.
Hey, take a break, Veronica. Sit down.
So, what was the first week of spring vacation withdrawal like ?
- I don't know. It was okay, I guess. - Isn't the prom coming up ?
I guess.
Any contestants worth mentioning ?
Maybe. There's kind of a dark horse in the running.
Goddamn, won't someone tell me why I read these spy novels ?
'cause you're an idiot.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
You two.
Great pate, but I got to motor...
If I wanna be ready for that party tonight.
[ Heather ] corn nuts. B.Q. Or plain ?
B.Q.
[ J.D. ] you're gonna pull a super chug with that ?
No, but if you're nice, I'll let you buy me a slushee.
I see you know your convenient-speak pretty well.
Yeah, well, uh, I've been moved around all my life.
Dallas, baton rouge, Vegas.
Sherwood, Ohio has always been a snappy snack shack.
Any town, anytime. You pop a ham and cheese in the microwave...
And feast on a turbo dog.
Keeps me sane.
Really ?
That thing you pulled in the caf today was pretty severe.
Yeah, well, the extreme always seems to make an impression.
Did you say a cherry or a coke slushee ?
I didn't.
Cherry.
Great bike.
Yeah. Just a humble perk from my dad's construction company.
You seen the commercial, right ?
"bringing every state to a higher state."
Wait a minute. Jason Dean.
Your pop's big bud Dean construction ?
It must be rough moving place to place.
Well, everybody's life has got static. Is your life perfect ?
Oh, yeah. I'm on my way to a party at Remington university.
Mm. [ horn honks ]
No, my life's not perfect.
I don't really like my friends.
Yeah, I, uh-- I don't really like your friends either.
Well, it's just like-- they're people I work with...
And our job is being popular and shit.
Maybe it's time to take a vacation.
Hello, ladies. Throw your coats on the floor.
Uh, Veronica, this is brad. Excellent.
Did you girls bring your partying slippers, huh ? Let's party.
She loves to party.
Dear diary, I want to kill,
And you have to believe it's for more than just selfish reasons,
More than just a spoke in my menstrual cycle.
You have to believe me.
It's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask what's your major.
I hate that.
So, when you go to college, what subjects do you think you'll study ?
Come on, David. Shouldn't we get back to the party ?
We will.
It's just that you're so hot tonight.
I can't control myself.
[ zipper unzips ]
Oh, Christ, I can't explain it, but I'm allowed and understanding...
That my parents and these Remington university assholes have chosen to ignore.
I understand that I must stop Heather.
How's my little cheerleader, huh ?
Oh, I know everyone at your high school isn't so uptight.
Now, look, I don't feel so good, okay ?
Let's do it on the coats. It'll be excellent, huh ?
You know, I have a little prepared speech...
I tell my suitor when he wants more than I'd like to give him.
- "gee, I had a really nice--" - save the speeches for Malcolm x.
I just wanna get laid.
You don't deserve my fucking speech.
Betty Finn was a true friend...
And I sold her out for a bunch of swatch dogs and diet cokeheads.
Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west.
Wait. East. West. God, you sound like a fucking psycho.
What's your damage ? Brad's saying you're being a real cous.
Heather, I feel really sick like I'm gonna throw up, so can we please jam now ?
No. Hell, no.
[ vomiting, coughing ]
Tomorrow I'll be kissing her aerobicized ass,
But tonight, let me dream of a world without Heather,
A world where I am free.
You stupid fuck.
You goddamn bitch.
You were nothing before you met me.
You were playing Barbies with betty Finn.
You were a bluebird. You were a brownie.
You were a girl scout cookie.
I got you into a Remington party.
What's my thanks ? It's on the hallway carpet.
- I got paid in puke. - Lick it up, baby. Lick it up.
Monday morning you're history. I'll tell everyone about tonight.
Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson.
No one at Westerberg’s gonna let you play their reindeer games.
[ objects clatter ]
Dreadful etiquette. I apologize.
That's okay.
I saw the croquet set up in the back. You up for a match ?
[ J.D. ] mmm. I thank you.
That was my, uh, first game of strip croquet.
Well, you're welcome.
It's a lot more interesting than just flinging off your clothes...
And boning away on a neighbor's swing set.
I don't know. There's a lot to be said for throwing off your-- ow !
What a night.
What a life.
They wanted to move me into high school out of the sixth grade...
Because I was supposed to be this big genius.
And then we decided to chuck the idea...
'cause I'd have trouble making friends, blah, blah, blah.
[ exhales ] now blah, blah, blah is all I do.
I use my grand I.Q. To decide what color gloss to wear...
And how to hit three keggers before curfew.
Heather Chandler is one bitch that deserves to die.
No, killing her won't solve anything.
I say we just grow up, be adults and die.
Before that,
I'd like to see Heather Chandler puke her guts out.
Trust me. She skips the Saturday morning trip to grandma's...
Even when she's not hungover.
We'll just concoct ourselves a little hangover cure...
That'll, uh, induce her to spew red, white and blue then.
[ laughs ] what about milk and orange juice ?
What's the upchuck factor on that ?
I'm a no-rust-buildup man myself.
Don't be a dick. That stuff will kill her.
I know. We can cook up some soup and put it in a coke.
That's pretty sick, eh ?
Now, should it be chicken noodle or bean with bacon ?
Put a lid on that stuff. I say we go with big blue here.
What are you talking about ?
She would never drink anything that looked like that anyway.
We'll, uh, put it in this.
She won't be able to see what she's drinking.
Let me get a cup, jerk.
Okay.
Milk and orange juice.
Hmm. Well, maybe we could, like,
Cough up a phlegm glob in it or something.
No ? None.
Well, milk and orange juice will do quite nicely. Mm.
You chicken ?
You're not funny.
I'm sorry.
Uh, Veronica ? What ?
Uh, never mind. I'll, uh, carry the cup.
[ Veronica ] morning, Heather.
Veronica. And Jesse James.
Please.
Hear about Veronica's affection for regurgitation ?
Heather, I think last night, we both said a lot of stuff we didn't mean.
Did we ? How the hell did you get in here ?
Um,
Veronica knew you'd have a hangover, so, uh, I whipped this up for you.
It's a family recipe. What did you do, put a phlegm glob in it or something ?
I'm not gonna drink that piss.
I knew this stuff would be too intense for her.
Too intense. Grow up.
You think I'll drink it just because you call me chicken ?
Just give me the cup, jerk.
[ gagging ]
[ coughs ] corn nuts.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
I just killed my best friend.
And your worst enemy. Same difference.
Oh !
What are we gonna tell the cops ?
"fuck it if she can't take a joke, sarge" ?
The cops.
I can't believe this is my life.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna have to send my M.I.T. scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford.
All right. I'm just a little freaked here.
At least you got what you wanted, you know ?
Got what I wanted ?
It is one thing to want somebody out of your life;
It is another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer.
All right, we-we, uh-- we did a murder, and that's a crime.
But, uh--
This was like a suicide thing, you know ?
- Like a suicide thing ? - Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, uh,
You can do Heather's handwriting as well as your own, right ?
Right ?
Yeah.
"you might think what I've done is shocking." yeah.
Um,
"to me, though, suicide is the natural answer...
To the myriad of problems life has given me."
That's good, but Heather would never use the word "myriad."
This is the last thing she'll ever write.
She's gonna wanna cash in on as many 50-cent words as possible.
Yeah, but she missed "myriad" on the vocab test two weeks ago.
That only proves my point more. The word is a badge for her failures at school.
Oh. Okay, you're probably right.
"people think...
"just because you're beautiful and popular,
Life is easy and fun."
Uh--
"no one understood...
"I had feelings too.
I die knowing no one knew the real me."
That's good. Have you done this before ?
Any other principal would take the same position.
Keep things business as usual. Heather Chandler is not your everyday suicide.
She was very popular.
If I let these kids out before lunch, the switchboard will light up like a Christmas tree.
I was impressed to see that she made proper use of the word "myriad" in her suicide note.
I find it profoundly disturbing...
That we're told of the tragic destruction of youth,
And all we can think to talk about is...
Adequate mourning times and misused vocabulary words ?
Oh, for Christ--
We must revel in this revealing moment.
Look, I suggest that we get everybody together,
Both students and teachers, in the cafeteria...
And just... Talk... And feel...
Together.
Thank you, Ms. Fleming. You call me when the shuttle lands.
Now, is this Heather the cheerleader ?
That would be Heather McNamara.
Oh, damn. I'd be willing to go a half a day for a cheerleader.
God, it's unfair.
It's just so unfair.
We should get off a whole week, not just an hour.
Write the school board.
Watch it, Heather. You might be digesting food there.
Yeah, where's your urge to purge ? Fuck it.
[ McNamara ] look.
Heather left behind one of her swatches.
She'd want you to have it, Veronica.
She always said you couldn't accessorize for shit.
Sorry to hear about your friend.
Thought she was your usual airhead bitch.
I guess I was wrong. We all were.
[ McNamara ] what a waste.
Oh, the humanity.
[ McNamara ] Veronica ?
What are you doing ?
I'm just so...
Thrilled...
To finally have an example of the profound sensitivity of which a human animal is capable.
That example is Heather Chandler.
I have her note. [ students ] ooh !
I wanna pass this note around the class...
So you can all feel its pathetic beauty for yourself.
And while we do this,
I think it's a good opportunity to share the...
Feelings that this suicide has spurred in all of us.
Now, who would like to begin ?
I heard it was really gnarly.
She sucked down a bowl of multipurpose deodorizing disinfectant...
And then... Smash !
Uh, Tracy, let's not rehash the coroner's report.
Let's talk emotions.
Um, Heather and I used to go out,
But she said I was boring.
But now I realize I really wasn't boring.
It's just that she was dissatisfied with her life.
That's... Very good, Peter.
[ laughs ]
[ fake sobbing ]
Are we gonna be tested on this ?
We wore the same size, and sometimes we could borrow each other's clothes...
And mix it up; it was fun.
I remember I won her, um, a rhino...
At the 4-h club. Oh, you're an asshole. Mute him.
We liked the same kind of clothes.
Heather, how many networks did you run to ?
It's just not gonna be the same here without her.
What are you talking about ? You hated her; she hated you.
Every English class I looked forward to seeing her.
Heather Chandler's more popular than ever now.
Scary stuff. Yeah.
[ man's voice ] hey, son, I didn't hear you come in.
Hey, dad, how was work today ?
It was miserable.
Some damn tribe of withered old bitches...
Doesn't want us to terminate that fleabag hotel,
All because Glenn miller and his band once took a shit there.
Just like Kansas. Remember fucking Kansas ?
Yeah, that was the one with the wheat, right ?
Save the memorial oak tree society.
Showed those fucks.
Yeah, 30 of those fourth of July fireworks attached to the trunk.
Arraigned but acquitted. Gosh, pop,
I almost forgot to introduce my girlfriend. Oh.
Veronica, this is my dad. Dad, Veronica. Hi.
So, why don't you ask your little friend to stay for dinner ?
I can't. Uh, my mom's making my favorite meal tonight. Spaghetti.
Lots of oregano. How nice.
Last time I saw my mom she was waving from a library window in Texas.
Right, dad ?
Right, son.
Right.
Take a break, Veronica. Sit down.
So, what was the first day after Heather's suicide like ?
I don't know. It was okay, I guess.
[ mom ] terrible thing.
So, will we get to meet this dark horse prom contender ?
Maybe.
Goddamn, will somebody tell me why I smoke these damn things ?
'cause you're an idiot.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
You two.
Well, great pate, but I'm gonna have to motor if I wanna be ready for that funeral.
[ man ] I blame not Heather...
But rather a society...
That tells its youth...
That the answers can be found in the MTV video games.
We must pray that the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio...
Know the name of that righteous dude...
Who can solve their problems.
It's Jesus Christ. And he's in the book.
[ mourners ] amen.
O God, this is a tragic thing...
And sometimes I have a hard time dealing with it and stuff.
Please send Heather to Heaven and all that.
Dear God, please make sure this never happens to me...
'cause I don't think I can handle suicide.
A fast early acceptance into an Ivy league school, and please let it be Harvard. Amen.
Jesus God in Heaven, why did you have to kill such hot snatch ?
It's a joke, man. Jeez, people are so serious.
Hail Mary who aren't in Heaven, pray for all us sinners so we don't get caught.
Another joke, man.
I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times.
And I felt bad every time I did it, but I kept doing it anyway.
Now I know you understood everything.
Praise Jesus. Hallelujah.
Hi. I'm sorry.
Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler.
But hey, who am I trying to kid, right ?
I just want my high school to be a nice place. Amen.
Did that sound bitchy ?
Veronica. What are you doing tonight ?
I don't know. Mourning. Maybe watch some TV. Why ?
Well, ram asked me out tonight,
But he wants to double with Kurt...
And Kurt doesn't have a date.
Heather, I have something going with J.D.
Please, Veronica, put Billy the kid on hold tonight.
I'll be your best friend.
So we on tonight, man, or what ?
I don't know. I still gotta talk to Heather, dude.
Great funeral, huh ?
That pud-whapper just stepped on my foot.
Let's kick his ass. Cool off.
We're seniors. Goddamn geek !
Ah, well, sit and spin.
That little prick.
[ both yelling ]
You piece of shit fag. You like to suck big dicks ? Cut it out.
Say, "I like to suck big dicks."
Leave him alone, ram. [ motorcycle approaching ]
[ boy ] ow !
Say it.
- [ ram ] say it. - Okay, okay.
You like to suck big dicks. Ow !
I like to suck big dicks.
Mmm, mmm. I can't get enough of 'em. Are you satisfied ?
Don't worry. Ram's been so sweet lately, consoling me and stuff.
It'll be really very.
Promise.
Okay, just as long as it's not gonna be one of those nights...
Where they get shit-faced and take us to a pasture to tip cows.
[ cows mooing, boys laughing ]
Is it sleeping, dude ? I think so, man.
Shh. [ mooing ]
Come here. Shit. Tipping is the fucking greatest.
Punch it in.
Shit. On the count of three.
Go ahead.
[ both ] one, two,
Three !
[ boys laughing ]
When I get that feeling, I need sexual healing.
Yeah, right, asshole.
[ J.D. ] what is this shit ?
Doing a favor for Heather. Double date.
I tried to tell you at the funeral, but you rode off.
Another fucking Heather.
[ chuckling ] I'm sorry. I'm, uh,
Just feeling a little superior tonight.
Seven schools in seven states,
And the only thing different is my locker combination.
Our love is God.
Let's go get a slushee.
I'm not belittling the food list fund, Peter.
It's just that we're talking teen suicide here.
The number one song in America today is "teenage suicide don't do it" by big fun.
Jesus, man, Westerberg finally got one of these things and I'm not gonna blow it.
Great. So Heather gets the front page...
And I get crammed in by the taco bell coupon.
Hi, guys.
Came to check up on this week's lunchtime poll topic.
Hey, don't worry about it, Veronica. Sit down, huh ?
That funeral yesterday must've really been rough, huh ?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
We were wondering if you had any poems or artwork that Heather did...
That we can put in the Heather Chandler yearbook spread.
The what ? Well-well, take a look.
It's a two-page layout with her suicide note right up here in the corner.
It's more tasteful than it sounds.
I don't know, Dennis. This stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Like last night, Veronica ?
Excuse me ?
I don't get it. Well, you did last night.
Kurt told us of your little date.
Yeah, and I left him drunk and flailing in cow shit.
Well, I don't know. He was really detailed.
Shh. Shut up, Courtney.
No, don't shut up. I'd like to know exactly what I did.
Ah. Come on, Veronica.
I'll tell you the lunchtime poll topic.
What the fuck. Okay.
Now, I rarely listen to Neanderthals like Kurt Kelly.
But he said that he and ram had a nice little sword fight in your mouth last night.
You know what I mean ? Hmm ? Eww !
That son of a bitch.
Hi, Kurt.
Hi. This is Veronica Sawyer.
Yeah, I didn't expect to be calling either. I guess my emotions took over.
I was wondering if you wanted all those things you've been saying to really happen.
It's always been a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once.
Oh, sure, you can write to "penthouse forum." [ chuckling ]
Yeah, in the woods behind the school.
At dawn. Don't forget ram.
I don't get the point of me writing a suicide note...
When we're just gonna be shooting them with blanks.
Well, we're not gonna be using blanks this time.
You can't be serious.
Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over.
Wait a second. Wait a second. Do you take German ?
French. All right.
These are ich luger bullets.
My grandfather snared a shitload of them back in WWII.
They're like tranquilizers.
Only they break the surface of the skin,
Enough to cause a little blood but no real damage.
So it looks like the person's been shot and killed...
And really they're just lying there unconscious and bleeding ?
Right.
See, we shoot Kurt and ram, make it look like they shot each other.
And by the time they regain consciousness,
They'll be the laughingstock of the whole school.
Now, the, uh, note's the punch line.
How did that turn out ? First tell me the similarity is not incredible.
It's incredible similarity.
Hmm. Okay.
[ clears throat ]
"ram and I died the day we realized we could never reveal...
"our forbidden love to an uncaring and un-understanding world.
"the Joy we shared in each other's arms was greater than any touchdown,
Yet we were forced to live the lie of sexist, beer-guzzling jock assholes."
That's perfect.
Let's take a look at some of the homosexual artifacts I dug up...
To plant at the scene.
All right. I got an issue of stud puppy. That's great.
A candy dish. Joan Crawford postcard.
Let's see. Some, uh, mascara.
All right, now, here's the one perfecto thing I picked up.
Mineral water.
Oh, come on. A lot of people drink mineral water. It's come a long way.
Yeah, but this is Ohio.
If you don't have a brewski in your hand, you might as well be wearing a dress.
Oh, you're so smart.
Hi, Veronica.
Hi, guys.
Glad you could make it.
So, should I just whip it out ?
Well, I've made a circle on each side of the clearing.
Ram, you come over here.
Kurt.
When you get to the circle, strip.
What about you ?
I was kind of hoping you could rip my clothes off me, sport.
Oh. Good idea.
Okay.
Count of three, guys.
One,
Two,
Three.
[ gunshot ] whoa !
You missed him completely ?
Yeah, but don't worry. It was worth it just to see the look on--
Don't move. I'll, uh-- I'll get him back.
Aha ! Fuck.
Now !
Hey, I heard it that time.
What ? Another gunshot. From the woods.
Oh, shit. Let's roll !
Kurt doesn't look too good.
Just remember he's left-handed. [ man ] keep going.
Mother of shit. Call in.
[ twigs snapping ] I heard something out there.
I'm checking it out.
Yeah, this is officer McCord.
I've got two dead bodies in the woods behind Westerberg high.
Whoa ! Oh ! Oh !
[ radio static ] Milner, can you hear me ? What's going down ?
Uh, yeah, yeah. I think what I heard back there was just a bunny rabbit.
All I got here is a couple of kids making out in a station wagon.
Should I pry them apart ?
No, no, forget it. I got all the answers back here.
Hey.
Are they naked ?
Yeah, so, what's the deal ?
Suicide. Double suicide. They shot each other.
- Hey, that's Kurt Kelly. - Yeah, and the linebacker, Ram Sweeney.
Sh-- my God. Suicide. Why ?
Does this answer your question ?
Oh, man, they were fags.
Listen up.
"we realized we could never reveal our forbidden love...
To an uncaring and un-understanding world."
Jesus h. Christ.
The quarterback buggering the linebacker.
What a waste.
Oh, the humanity.
So we killed them, didn't we ?
Of course.
[ screaming ]
Ich luger bullets. I'm such an idiot.
Look, you believed it because you wanted to believe it.
Your true feelings...
Were too gross and icky for you to face.
I did not want them dead.
You did too.
I did not.
Did too. You did too. I did not.
I did not ! Did not ! Did too. Did too !
- Did not ! Did not ! - Those two deserved to die.
Come on. You did. %% Mary had a little lamb little lamb, little lamb %%
[ arguing ]
Young love.
Did you hear ? School's cancelled today...
Because Kurt and ram killed themselves in a repressed homosexual suicide pact.
No way.
God ! [ exhales ]
Football season is over, Veronica.
Kurt and ram had nothing to offer this school but date rapes and aids jokes.
Yeah, sure.
Could we make an ice run before the funeral ?
[ man ] if there's any way you could hear me, Kurt buddy,
I don't care that you really were some... Pansy.
You're my own flesh and blood and you've made me proud.
My son's a homosexual, and I love him.
I love my dead gay son.
How do you think he'd react to his son...
That had a limp wrist with a pulse ? [ snickering ]
Dear diary,
My teen angst bullshit has a body count.
The most popular people in school are dead.
Everybody's sad, but it's a weird kind of sad.
Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul,
Ram a brain.
I don't know what it's given me,
But I've got no control over myself when I'm with J.D.
Are we going to prom or to hell ?
Now,
It seems we were in a similar position on Monday...
When I thoughtfully suggested we get everybody together...
For an unadulterated, emotional outpouring.
But no, you took this...
As an opportunity to play yet another round of "let's laugh at the hippie."
- Pauline-- - shut up, Paul.
Now, I've seen a lot of bullshit--
Angel dust, switchblades,
Sexually perverse photography exhibits involving tennis rackets.
But this suicide thing--
I guess that's more on Pauline’s wavelength.
Well, we're just gonna write off today.
Then on Friday she can hold her little...
Love-in or whatever.
Whatever.
Attention.
May I have your attention, please ?
This school has been torn apart by tragedy.
I'm here today to fuse it back again through togetherness.
I want everyone to clasp hands.
We need to connect this cafeteria into one mighty circuit.
Excuse me, please. Hey, look, here comes the TV crew.
Lock your paws.
Ms. Fleming, we're ready when you are. Hi there.
Come on. Come on. Let's go. Up here.
This will be on TV. Let's show them how you feel.
Looks like Ms. Flem's on another one of her crusades.
With the usual success, of course.
Come on, freshmen. Let's get up.
Hi. What's your name ? Hi. I'm Heather Duke.
[ Fleming ] that's fine. Up on your feet. Let's go.
Over here. Let's see some togetherness.
Is it as good for you as it is for me ?
Those fish sticks can wait. Let's go.
Come on, kids.
The whole world is watching.
[ Fleming continuing ]
Greetings and salutations.
I'm gonna need a VHS copy of all this by Monday for my Princeton application.
[ Veronica ] that thing this afternoon.
I'm so angry. It was chaos. Fucking chaos.
What are you talking about, huh ? Today was great.
Chaos was great. Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.
Face it. Our way's the way.
We scare people into not being assholes.
Our way is not our way.
Oh, yeah. Tell that to the judge, all right ?
Tell it to Kurt Kelly.
"oh, God, Veronica !" I'm telling it to you.
God, you can be so immature.
Oh, you kids are making too much damn noise.
[ laughing ] we beat the bitches. Oh, beautiful.
- The beaver's home. - Judge told them to slurp shit and die.
I put a Norwegian in the boiler room.
[ laughing ] masterful.
And then, when that blew,
I set off a pack of thermals I stuck upstairs.
You know, some days it's great to be alive. [ laughing ]
[ mumbling ]
Do you like your father ?
Never given the matter much thought.
[ sighs ] I liked my mother.
Yeah, they said her death was an accident,
But, uh, she knew what she was doing.
She walked into the building two minutes before my dad blew the place up.
She waved at me and then... Boom.
[ man ] dudes, if I get one more request for that big fun song,
I'm going to commit suicide. Playing our song.
Here it is: "teenage suicide don't do it."
- %% teenage suicide %% - %% don't do it %%
%% teenage suicide %% %% she blew it %%
- %% teenage suicide teenage-- %% - %% don't do it %%
That's it. We're breaking up.
What ? You can't bring him back. You must know that.
I am not trying to bring anybody back, except maybe myself.
No !
And to think there was a time when I actually thought you were cool.
Man, if you can't deal with me now,
Then just stay home and shoot your TV,
Blow up a couple of toasters or something.
Just don't come to school and don't mess with me.
You'll be back.
[ sighs ]
Me and Martha "dumptruck" ?
Where did you get this ?
Oh, I just had the nicest little chat with miss dumptruck.
Got along famously.
It's kind of scary how everybody's got a little story to tell.
You wanna see the canoeing shots ?
What is this, blackmail ?
I'll give you a week's lunch money.
I don't want your money. I want your strength.
I mean Westerberg does not need mushy togetherness. It needs a strong leader.
Heather Chandler was that leader, but--
But she couldn't handle it.
I think you can.
Moby dick is dunked.
The white whale drank some bad plankton and splashed through a coffee table.
And now it's your turn to take the helm.
What about the photographs ? Oh, don't worry.
I'll ask you to do me a favor,
And it'll be one you'll enjoy.
Then you'll get the negatives and everything back then.
But in the meantime,
Strength.
Here's a little gift.
From Heather to Heather.
Guess who. Heather ?
Hello ? Hello, betty ? This is Veronica.
I don't believe it. I'm winning.
Don't you start getting cocky on me now, girl.
I really missed you.
I know I'm not as exciting as your other friends.
That is bullshit. Shoot.
Do you know I'm still a virgin ?
Okay, I French kissed Al Springer once,
And it was a total disaster.
Shoot the ball.
You know, betty, your daydreams are a lot better than my realities, believe me.
But now prepare to die.
Ronny !
Well, you're not just gonna go for those two shots.
I mean, uh, go ahead, knock me out.
It's the only way to win.
It's not my style.
Nice guys finish last.
I should know.
[ duke ] bravo.
Bravo.
Listen, I-I got to get home, okay ?
- Okay. - Thanks.
Bye, betty.
Bye. Betty, leaving so soon ?
I'm red.
[ crowd cheering ]
[ slurping ]
[ woman ] the Westerberg suicides were tough on all of us.
But we shared the pain...
Of losing three very popular students.
I came into the cafeteria, asked them to hold hands.
Hey, isn't that that flake we met at the open house ?
In a burst of cleansing synchronicity,
TV cameras happened on to our path...
- Cleansing synchronicity ? - And captured this emotional outpouring of emotion.
Outpouring of emotion ?
[ man ] ha ! Look ! There's Heather. [ laughing ]
And there's Heather. Where are you, Veronica ?
Before a teenager decides to kill himself, there are certain facts he should know.
After all, this is a decision that affects all of us,
And there's only one Chance to get it right.
[ horn honking, brakes screeching ]
Getting some super--
Turn that back on. Can't you see ?
These little programs are eating suicide up with a spoon.
They're making it sound like it's a cool thing to do.
Are you trying to tell me it is not a time for troubled youth ?
- Stand up straight. - All we want is to be treated like human beings.
Not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.
I don't patronize bunny rabbits.
Treated like human beings ?
Is that what you said, little miss voice of a generation ?
Just how do you think adults act with other adults ?
You think it's all just a game of doubles tennis ?
When teenagers complain that they want to be treated like human beings,
It's usually because they are being treated like human beings.
[ sighs ] yeah, well, I guess I picked the wrong time to be a human being.
Well, you'll live.
Want some pate ?
[ door closes ] [ duke ] hi, everybody.
The door was open.
Veronica, have you heard ?
We were doing Chinese at the food fair when it comes over the radio...
That Martha "dumptruck" tried to buy the farm.
She belly flopped in front of a car wearing a suicide note.
Uh, is she dead ?
No. That's the punch line.
She's alive and in stable condition.
It's another case of a geek...
Trying to imitate the popular people at the school and failing miserably.
Is that pate ?
I said I was sorry. You were out of control.
I mean Heather and Kurt were a shock, but Martha "dumptruck" ?
Get crucial. She dialed suicide hot lines in her diapers.
You're not funny.
Look, Martha couldn't take the heat,
So she got out of the kitchen.
Just think what a better place this world would be...
If every nimrod followed her cue.
- Just shut up. Hot probs is on. - Oh, shit, yeah.
[ man ] I mean, like, skipper's okay, but still, sometimes I feel like--
Like I'm on that island and Gilligan can just be so stupid sometimes.
Yeah, well, dude, just remember,
If it wasn't for the courage of the fearless crew,
The minnow would be lost, and you are too.
Next call.
That sounded like a good one. Hey, you got the dogcatcher.
My name is Heather-- no, it-- it's not Heather.
No, it--
It's Madonna. Jeez, no, not that.
Hey, babe, I need a name.
[ bird tweeting ]
My name is Tweetie.
Tweetie ? Ooh, tweet.
God has cursed me, I think.
The last Guy I had sex with...
Killed himself the next day.
Failing math. My whole life is a mess.
I was supposed to be captain of the cheerleading team.
Oh, man, she knows we listen to this show.
Holy shit ! We'll crucify her.
My parents are divorced and stuff.
[ Veronica ] Heather told everyone about Heather.
Yes, dear diary, I've cut off Heather Chandler's head...
And Heather Duke's head has sprouted back in its place...
Like some mythological thing my eighth grade boyfriend would have known about.
Heather's even doing the old note trick.
[ sighs ] I've seen J.D.'s way.
I've seen Ms. Pauline Fleming’s way.
And nothing has changed.
I guess that's Heather's way.
And, Jesus, what about J.D. ?
I can't get him out of my head.
Wait. Where's Heather going ?
She's going to cry.
[ sparse laughter ]
Fucking child-protective caps.
Now where's she going ?
Heather.
What are you trying to do, kill me ?
What are you trying to do, sleep ?
Suicide is a private thing.
Ohh ! Heather, you're throwing your life away...
To become a statistic in U.S.-Fucking-A. Today.
Now, that is about the least private thing I can think of.
- What about Heather and Kurt and ram ? - [ sighs ]
If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you ?
Probably.
You know, if you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being.
You'd be a game show host.
What do you say we knock off early, buy some shoes,
Something lame like that ?
Okay.
So, it's, uh, come to this.
Heather Chandler did polls. I want you to do a petition,
As a favor, as the favor.
You've, uh, heard of the group big fun, right ?
That's right. "teenage suicide don't do it."
Right. Some teenie bopper rag says that,
Uh, they want to play a prom.
Now, it could be Westerberg’s if we get everybody's John Hancock.
I'll get right on it, coach. Oh, a little gift for you.
I won't be needing it.
Heather ? Veronica.
Color me stoked, girl.
I've gotten everyone to sign this petition,
Even the ones who think big fun are tuneless, gyro fags.
People love me. You know, you haven't signed yet.
People love you, but I know you.
Jennifer Forbes told me the petition she signed...
Was to put a hot tub in the cafeteria.
- And Doug Hilton said-- - some people need different kinds of convincing.
Look, just sign the petition, okay ?
Don't talk to me like that, okay ?
Look, it was J.D.’s idea.
He made out the signature sheet and everything.
So why don't you just sign it ? No.
Jealous much ?
Heather, why can't you just be a friend ?
Why are you such a mega bitch ?
[ chuckles ] because I can be.
Veronica, why are you pulling my dick ?
Do you think-- I mean, do you really think...
If betty Finn's fairy godmother made her cool,
She would still hang out with her dweebette friends ?
[ chuckles ] no way, Veronica.
Uh-uh.
[ J.D. ] you want to go out tonight ?
Catch a movie ? You know, some miniature golf ?
I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open,
Making it look like a suicide.
Ah, now you're talking. I could be up for that.
I've already started underlining meaningful passages in her copy of Moby Dick,
If you know what I mean.
I knew you'd be back, Veronica.
I knew it. I was positive. I was sure.
Ugh !
It's over, J.D. Over. Grow up !
I don't get it. I mean, you were wrong. I was right.
Strength, damn it !
Come on, come back.
Yes ?
Y-your friend Jason Dean stopped by.
He seemed very concerned about you.
He said that he thought you might try to kill yourself.
You have been depressed lately. Oh, he left this for you.
Oh. Oh, my God !
He said that we should keep you away from sharp objects,
Uh, closed garage doors, chemical, uh, substances--
Uh, prescription drugs. Prescription drugs.
"to neither love nor reverence will thou be kind ?
"and even for hate, thou canst but kill.
And all are killed."
I like it. It's got that, uh,
"what a cruel world, so let's toss ourselves in the abyss" type ambience, huh ?
Come on. It's Heather's copy of Moby Dick.
Why don't you give it a try, huh ? Underline something.
Get off of my bed, you fucking psycho !
You're a rebel ? Do you actually think you're a rebel ?
You're not a rebel. You're a fucking psychotic.
You say tomato, I say "to-mah-to."
Hold it. "Eskimo." that--
That's one word.
I love it. I usually go for the whole sentence myself.
But this is perfecto.
Eskimo. You know, it's so, uh, mysterious.
Es-ki-mo. [ sighs ]
Come on.
J--
J.D., you are not even listening to me.
Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag !
That-that-that knife is filthy.
What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils ?
Excuse me. I think I know Heather a little better than you do.
If she was going to slit her wrist, the knife would spotless.
All right, how's this, huh ? Can you see your fucking reflection in the thing ?
Tomorrow, someone else is just going to move into her place.
That person could be me.
Ha ! There's only one of us who knows how to do Heather's handwriting.
And if you think I'm going to write another suicide note, you're wrong.
You don't get it, do you ?
I mean, society nods its head at any horror...
The American teenager can think to bring upon itself.
Nobody's going to care about exact handwriting.
How ridic-- look.
"life... Sucks."
It's perfecto.
Ha. Jesus ! I mean, I've got a meaningfully marked-up Moby Dick.
What else does a suicide need, huh ?
Now if you'll excuse me--
No !
Open the door !
Eskimo.
Heather Duke underlined a lot of things in this copy of Moby Dick.
But I believe the word "Eskimo,"
Underlined all by itself,
Is the key to understanding Heather's pain.
On the surface, Heather Duke was the vivacious young lady...
We all knew her to be.
But her soul was in Antarctica,
Freezing with the knowledge of the way fellow teenagers...
Can be cruel,
The way that parents can be unresponsive...
And, as she writes so eloquently in her suicide note,
The way that life can suck !
We'll all miss Sherwood’s little Eskimo.
Let's just hope she's rubbing noses with Jesus.
Is this turnout weak or what ?
I had at least 70 more people at my funeral.
Heather ?
God, Veronica,
My afterlife is so boring.
If I have to sing "kumbaya" one more time-- what are you doing here ?
I made your favorite-- spaghetti, lots of oregano.
Dinner !
[ mom ] Veronica, dinner !
Dear diary, last entry.
No one can stop J.D.-- Not the FBI, the M.I.T. Or the P.T.A.
He once told me that the extreme always makes an impression.
Well, now it's my turn.
Let's see how the son of a bitch reacts to a suicide...
He didn't perform himself.
I can't believe you did it.
I was teasing. I loved you.
Sure, I was-- I was coming up here to kill you.
First I was going to try and get you back with my amazing petition.
It's a shame you can't see what our, uh,
Fellow students really signed.
All right, listen.
[ sighs ]
"we students of Westerberg high will die...
"today.
"our burning bodies will be the ultimate protest...
"to a society that degrades us.
Fuck you all."
It's not really subtle,
But, uh, neither is blowing up a whole school, now is it ?
Talk about your suicide pacts, huh ?
When our school blows up tomorrow,
It's going to be the kind of thing to infect a generation.
I mean, it's going to be a Woodstock for the '80s.
Damn it, Veronica.
We could have toasted some marshmallows together.
What does she want, a written invitation ?
Veronica, dinner !
Shit.
Veronica, I--
Oh, my-- I-I-I-I sh-should have let you take that job at the mall.
It was-- it was just that I--
I was afraid of you coming home late at night, and I--
Hey, mom,
Why so tense ?
[ knocking ] [ dad ] hey, pop, I need some help with my homework.
Uh, not right now, tiger. I'm a little busy.
Veronica !
J.D. Told me you committed suicide last night.
Where is he ? Where's J.D. ? We have to talk.
Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.
Get a job.
[ door closes ]
[ beeps ]
[ class bell rings ]
Rodney, where's everybody going ?
It's Friday.
Shit ! Another damn pep assembly.
Yeah. You know, these things can get pretty artificial,
But, you know, at least you get out of class.
Rodney, what's underneath the gym ?
The boiler room.
[ Veronica ] may I see your hall pass ?
I knew that loose was too noose.
Ha. I mean, uh, noose too loose.
Goddamn you, woman.
Like father, like son.
A serious fuck bomb in the boiler room...
To set off a pack of thermals upstairs.
Okay, let's start by putting the bomb down on the ground.
I knew that. I knew that.
Okay, put your hands on your head.
You didn't say "Simon says."
[ all ] let's go ! [ girl ] come on !
Let's go, rottweilers, let's go !
[ all ] ...E-s-- t-e-r--
T-e-r-- b-u-r--
B-u-r--
"g" ! What does it spell ? [ all ] "g" !
[ cheering ]
God ! God !
Go ! Go ! Go ! Go !
Go ! Go ! Go ! Go ! Go !
Go ! Go ! Go ! Go ! Go ! Go !
You think just because you started this thing you can end it ?
I'll kill you. I'll fucking kill you. I swear to God.
Go ! Go ! Go ! Yeah !
How do I turn off the goddamn bomb, asshole ?
Fuck you !
[ gunshot ]
[ yelling ]
Shit !
It's all over, J.D. Help me stop it.
[ panting ]
You want to clean the slate as much as I do, right ?
So maybe I am killing everyone in the school.
Because nobody loves me.
Let's face it, all right ? The only place different social types...
Can genuinely get along with each other is in Heaven.
[ yelling ] [ whistles ]
Which button do I press to turn it off ?
Try the red one, all right ?
Seriously. People are going to look at the ashes of Westerberg and say...
"now there is a school that self-destructed.
Not because society didn't care, but because the school was society."
- It's really deep, huh ? - Which red button ?
Press the middle button to turn it off, if that's what you really want.
- You know what I want, babe ? - What ?
Cool guys like you out of my life.
[ beeping ]
[ cheering, applauding ]
Color me impressed.
You, uh-- you really fucked me up pretty bad, Veronica.
You, um--
You got power. Power I didn't think you had.
Our slate is clean.
[ beeps ]
Pretend I did blow up the school,
All of the schools.
Now that you're dead,
What are you going to do with your life ?
[ beeping ]
[ stops beeping ]
[ explosion ]
[ chattering ]
Veronica. You look like hell. Yeah ?
I just got back.
Veronica, what are you doing ?
Heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town.
Hey, Martha.
My date for the prom kind of flaked out on me.
I was wondering, if you weren't doing anything that night,
Maybe we could rent some new releases.
Pop some popcorn.
I'd like that.
Yeah, so would I.
%% when I was just a little girl %%
%% I asked my mother %%
%% what will I be %%
%% will I be pretty will I be rich %%
%% here's what she said to me %%
%% que sera %%
%% sera %%
%% whatever will be %%
%% will be %%
%% the future's not ours %%
%% to see %%
%% well, well, well well, well %%
%% que sera %%
%% when I grew up and fell in love %%
%% I asked my lover %%
%% what will I be %%
%% will I be rich day after day %%
Sing. %% here's what my lover said %%
%% que sera %%
%% sera %%
%% yeah %%
%% whatever %%
%% will be %%
%% ooh %%
%% que sera %%
%% sera %%
%% what, why, whoever %%
%% will be %%
%% ohh %%
%% the future's not ours to see %%
%% mm mm mm mm mm mm %%
%% que sera %%
%% will, will will, will, will %%
%% que sera %%
%% oh, you'll get down %%
{{{ the end }}}